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I’m not much of a God Squader. Growing up in our family, religion was a private matter. We were not raised to be proselytizers (though we did have some relatives who were Baptist Missionaries in China). We were raised to respect each person’s beliefs and were basically taught that no one belief had a corner on the market.

By necessity, The Lazy J was a household of religious tolerance. Each Christmas the family gathered in Conn Valley. At any one time, the dinner table sported Buddhists, Jews, Protestants, Lutherans, Baptists, Episcopalians, Catholics, agnostics, and quasi-committed atheists.

And of course, I can’t count the nationalities. Among them were Swiss, Japanese, Mexican, English, German, Irish, South African, Swedish, American Indian, Norwegian, Scottish, and Italian. “Mixed marriages” were the norm, not the exception. We’re basically mongrels--that is to say, descendants of a typical American immigrant family.

Like all families, we were always on our good behavior around the table, and then eagerly gossiped about each other after everyone left. Of course part of that gossip was just catching up on the family “news”. News and family lore are the cornerstones of any family gathering.

But where does “news” end and gossip begin? Not just in one’s family, but in one’s community as well. There is no clear cut line.

As we were going over our resolutions on New Year’s Eve, I was taken by the fact that every year at least one member of our family vows to gossip less. When one grows up in a small town, he “knows from gossip.” It started me thinking about the importance of perhaps the least remembered of the 10 Commandments: The 9th.

“Thou shall not bear false witness against they neighbor.”

(I can never mention the Ten Commandments without thinking of Henny Youngman’s story of Moses descending Mt. Sinai and saying to his people, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is I got Him down to Ten. The bad news is: Adultery is still in.”)

Anyway, it’s not really important that this sentiment came from on High. Think about it in terms of our daily lives here in St. Helena. How do we treat each other as a community? Does anyone in this town bear false witness against another? Does anyone gossip? Or do people just pass on “news?”

The famous hostess, Pearl Mesta, had an embroidered pillow; “If you can’t say anything good about someone, sit next to me.”

Each of us has had that salacious thought at one time or another.

In my professional lifre I get it all the time. “Why are they Selling?”

Should I reply, “There’s a drug problem.” “He’s in bankruptcy.” “She’s got cancer and they’re going on a world cruise.” “He’s run off with a trophy bimbo?”
One’s fiduciary responsibility is to keep his trap shut. We pride ourselves on it. What’s said behind closed doors stays behind closed doors.

But how should folks treat personal news?

It’s only natural that people call one another with news. Ever notice that it’s rarely about a scholarship received, a financial success, or some individual victory? More often than not it’s about a failure--personal, financial or emotional.

When our kids were in the local schools, I can’t tell you how eager folks were to tell us of another child’s failure--drugs, grades, suspensions etc.
How accurate was that information? It was all one could do than to remember the bromide, “Believe only half of what you see and nothing of what you hear.”

It’s almost as if one were hard wired to believe the worst.
But who are we to blame the gossipers? It takes two to tango. To listen to scandalous gossip is natural and normal--but not mandatory. To pass it on—the lowest of the low. Yet, who amongst us hasn’t done it?

Titillating gossip is like an automobile accident. One can’t bear to watch. Yet, one can’t look away. Or can she?

If you look at all ten Commandments, they all make sense from a “religious” basis.

(Would that my kids would follow the 5th!). But the 9th stands apart from the others.

The 9th is a more secular-based admonition that tells us much about the times people lived in when back then. Clearly, one’s reputation counted once--it was before cable news, and Geraldo. Does one’s reputation count less today?

Are we moving the peanut forward when we pass on hearsay? Are we making this community a better place to live in when we listen to it? Are we just being “human”, or are we causing harm?

I always liked my friend’s line: “It takes two people to hurt you: Your enemy to blaspheme you, and your friend to tell you about it.

Sometimes I think we are going after the wrong person. Perhaps we shouldn’t blame the gossiper. Doesn’t the real blame lie with thee and me--the listeners? What would happen if we didn’t listen. What would happen if we just got up and walked away?

Now, you don’t need some self-righteous little twit like me to spout religious dogma to you.

And, I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions. But if I were, I might follow my daughter’s resolution and do my damnedest to refute Ms. Mesta.

It could be fun to bring some meaning back to that forgotten 9th commandment.

If the buck stops here, the gossip can as well.

So, this year, I’ll still try to be a good listener--but (hopefully) not to gossip. It’s a worthy New Year’s resolution. But don’t tell anyone! Happy New Year!








Jeffrey Earl Warren
James Warren & Son
1414 Main St.
St. Helena, Ca.
94574
707-963-2748





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Start the year off right. Easy ways to stay in shape in the new year.